Hi there..!!!
Long time.., isn't it? Well, I always cheat myself
when it comes to writing, I always intend to write so much but the Lazy ME
always eludes from doing so..!! :)
So this thing that I am
writing today should have come after a series of other pieces that I have
somehow managed to scribble and doodle in my diary, but haven’t had the time,
to actually write that in a proper manner. But hey... isn’t it quite obvious
that it might have been something quite impacting or something that which had
left me wondering/hurt/bewildered/extremely happy that I am actually expressing
here in the BLOG(I know that’s kind of cheating..) This happened to me. But why
am I writing this. Mr. Eyes was involved.
So let me give a brief
recap. As the time went by, I have become used to working with Mr. Eyes. I like
the presence itself of Mr. Eyes. It kind of feels so warm and secure. And I
have (damn I accept it) already considered and accepted him as one of my
dearest friends. I would die 10 times before losing such a friend. But he isn’t
aware because I never express it this way, though I have told him that he is my
good friend. I share all my woes happiness and thoughts with him and I speak my
heart to him. But I dare not tell all this to him, don’t want him to get mad at
me or think otherwise (and change the things as they are now). (He is aware of
a lot of things, that I have hid from others, but I would always pray he doesn’t judge me).
But the fact remains
same here that the same is not felt on the other side. By nature Mr. Eyes is a
social and jovial person. He feels good by making the person in front of him
smile and be comfortable and then the person immediately strikes a chord and
befriends him. But that you are in his that very close group of friends, can’t
be decided or predicted by you; his inner circle remains his decision always
and a few lucky ones get a place in that. In my case I know, he is genuinely a
nice person to all and so is with me too. There are many traits I own that bug
him and which he finds irritating. (What to do now, human beings aren’t made
perfect… :) ).
But what am I talking
about here? I felt a little disillusioned. It’s not always necessary that
whatever we feel and how earnestly we express that, should get a recognition.
Sometimes we are in an illusion that what we are doing and feeling, right now,
that same is being felt and done by the world around us. If I give a person, 10
things out of my wish, it is never necessary that the person returns the same
10 things to me or even 10things at all. And as all of us know being
disillusioned is the hardest things that ever happen to us. Everybody faces
that in life and talking of Safiya (that would be me), who lives in her own
land of Dreams and imaginations, being disillusioned happens every time. It’s more like a regular tragedy.
Tragedy - because, every time it happens, it is traumatizing.
So a few days back,
things had become quite nice. I had become fonder of my buddy, and there were
few situations (unrelated to him) which were affecting me, it was him who
helped my do the correct actions. So it so happened that I became more casual
and friendly with him. But I never realized that the other side of the coin is
not the same. The kind of expectations I was keeping was never going to be
fulfilled; this I wasn’t aware of. I remained under the impression that I am
just as important for him as he was (in fact, is) for me. What I failed to
realize then that, “I am more of a mentee for him”. He was just doing his duty
and was in fact going out of his way to guide me. I had starting bugging him,
and teasing with the very little nonsense that I knew. I didn’t realize it
wasn’t school anymore. I used to speak with him for hours together. And I had
started to annoy him more I guess. This once became clear, when I was once
talking over phone and was in simple niggling self, when I first saw his
annoyance. Later that day I don’t know if he was real busy, he never called
back. A day later he did not pick a call or two. The reasons he gave were
totally justifiable and reasonable. I wasn’t feeling that connected any more.
This was something that was bothering me to the core. I wasn’t able to accept
the truth of the situation. It was just that I was unnecessarily being grumpy
and hated the feeling of being ignored.
I called him up, asking
if anything was wrong and that if I had hurt/annoyed him. If he wasn’t willing
to talk to me more, of if he wanted me to stay at bay. He said everything was
fine and I was being illogical. And that I need not worry about what is wrong
or right.
But how do I make him
realize that I am a person of extremes. He was so professional in dealing with
me. So calm and sober, that I couldn’t stand that restraint. I couldn’t stop
myself thinking about it and sulking the whole day. Making futile promises to
myself and ending up either texting or calling up. After 3-4 days of pathetic behavioral
tendencies I finally met him at my work place. My mind said to avoid and to be
neutral, but my heart said speak out. My heart said blurt it out else you lose a
friend. Between all this my face betrayed me again. My disappointment and angst
was writ large on my face. But again that calm response was enough to make me
keep quite. The answer once given was never given any further explanations.
That kind of statement and later on the undisturbed and unperturbed expression,
with a slight air of arrogance was enough to end the story.
When I returned back
home, after having food both for body and thought, was able to hold myself
together, and realized that I my stupid illusion had been cleared, which I was
having troubles to accept.
I don’t deserve to be
called his friend, but the best bond that stays here, will always be that of a
mentor and mentee. But I hate to say it; my heart would never be able to
consider him anything less than a friend. But I have somehow felt now that he
has never thought of me as a friend, but as a mentee. I feel sad, but at least satisfied,
that I am not cheating myself with an illusion anymore.
